Yesterday I found out that the woman I had been secretly in love with for the past six years was in love with a latin man named Armando. The girl isn’t American but for the sake anonymity, I’ll call her Pam from Florida. They had been writing to each other publicly on Twitter about how much they wanted to see each other again, obviously being two lovers separated by thousands of miles small towns and aimless lives. As I read each other their messages, my heart sunk lower and lower into despair.
You know when it feels like the universe is just twisting a knife into your heart deeper and deeper? That’s what I felt like the next day, just a horrible aching in the chest. I don’t know if it was heartbreak or the spicy dinner I had at Chili Ned’s the night before. And to top it off, I looked awful when I looked into the mirror that morning. They say men get better looking as they age but I felt like that every month I was falling apart more and more.
I went back to Chili Ned’s around lunch time to give Ned a piece of my mind about my heart burn. After I gave him a few choice words, he broke down in tears and threatened to drown himself to death by waterboarding himself into his own pot of chili. His waiter then told me that Ned’s wife had just left him an hour prior via a text message. Apparently she had met someone else. I consoled Ned and told him suicide was too risky. What if he came back as a ghost with the ability to watch his wife make love to her new suitor whenever he pleased? His misery would be ten times fold and of course, he wouldn’t be able to kill himself twice. Ned shot back that he would never bother checking up on his wife. It would destroy him, first of all. And secondly, he said as a ghost, he would also likely have the ability to explore the universe. He then banned me from his restaurant for two weeks on the grounds of causing a ruckus, which was bad news for me because I hadn’t had lunch yet.
It always feels like that when I am the most hungry, I can’t decide where to eat. How could I eat? I was depressed. I loved Pam, even though I knew it would never work out between us. We were too different and I would have been miserable living in Florida. I never understood how Florida was the glorious goal in Midnight Cowboy. I was sure Miami was fun place but I doubted it could have erased one’s troubles. If anything, a drive anywhere within one hundred miles of the spoiled, screaming children of Disney World would no doubt have caused my anxiety attacks to finally do me in once and for all.
My heart immediately started to race. Yep, it was my anxiety. Even just thinking about it could made it act up. I would have had another public breakdown right then and there if Ned hadn’t suddenly found me. He ecstatically told me that his wife had changed her mind and invited me to celebrate with him at his favorite bar, The Cove. Though I knew his marriage would still ultimately be doomed, I agreed to go for a couple beers. When we arrived at the bar, the bartender introduced himself as Armando and offered us a drink. This day could not get any worst. I angrily smashed a glass onto the floor and told Ned about how Armando had seduced the woman I loved. Obviously understanding my predicament, he helped me tear apart the bar. Armando’s other regulars tried to stop us but Chili Ned and I fought them off back to back, now brothers in heartbreak.
As we rode home that night in the back of the police car, Ned suddenly asked me if Armando the bartender was the same Armando who I had sought vengeance against. I really didn’t know what to say. Ned was now up against a giant lawsuit because of me. And this lawsuit that would no doubt put him out of business. Though in the end, it served him right. I was still having horrible heartburn at that point and I knew for a fact that I had specified for my chili to be served mild.
Mutually Awkward 